Tuna Salad

Tuna salad is a very overlooked dish that others tend to miss out on its artistic culinary value. But over the years from parental exposure of a delicious and healthy snack along with a stack of thin crust crackers, salted or unsalted I have managed to morph a Tuna Salad that is equivalent to the spices and taste buds of Mount Olympus. You’re thinking that I sound extremely conceded and you’re right. But if you ever have the chance to my taste my Tuna Salad recipe, you will fall in love with it forever. The sunlight from the skies and the crystal blue will elope your soul in nirvana.

Tuna for the most part comes from a big fish that are received by the gallons in shipments along the harbor. Tuna are large coy-like fish that eventually make their way after stages of cleaning and mass production to Bumblebee Tuna, StarKist, Wild Planet or other canned item products on supermarket shelves. Naturally I would say the process is brutal, but if you think about it, Jesus Christ was a fisherman. I don’t mean to go religious but since the supposed holy savior of mankind ate Tuna and fish, then it’s safe to say that us eating it cannot be that bad. Although eating too much fish within a short time will increase your levels of mercury. And if you’ve seen Finding Nemo and decide to not eat fish in your diet. That’s all up to you. I will never reveal my ingredients, as a magician never avails his secrets, but I will be giving you hints throughout.

Take any can of tuna from the shelf and start to cut off the top using a new can opener. I have used my fair share of rusted can openers from being put in the dishwasher and it is no fun. So do not put them in the dishwasher. Usually what happens is you begin strong, cutting around the circle until it gets stuck and jammed. That’s when you have to stab at the areas of the can top seal in order to get the tool back on the cutting track. It can be very time consuming, tiresome and dangerous. You can easily cut your finger on the sharp edge of the can making you bleed out quickly. If you’re able to safely cut open the tops to two tuna cans then you’re just at the beginning. Before peeling off the top, you’re going to walk over to the kitchen sink and squeeze the loose can top down into the tuna until all the fish juice oozes from the can to the bottom of the sink. You don’t want your tuna to be too wet; drier tuna is better for tuna salad. Once you squeeze out a fair share of juice (either water or oil), get a big bowl (preferably a mixing one) and pour both cans into the bowl. Then you’re going to chop the tuna into smaller surfaces with a regular fork. After that is when the fun part begins. I will only give the instructions for making a normal Tuna Salad. You’re going to want a big spoon for scooping out the Mayonnaise. Making Tuna Salad is the same components of what a naked chef does, using the condiments around his or her home. Well after plopping a spoonful of Mayo in the bowl, add some dribble of olive oil. This is a good time to mix them together as it will make the tuna salad smoother, gutting out any tough edges. If you want to make your tuna salad creamier, add a dash of ranch dressing. This can range from regular ranch to different ranch flavors. The more the merrier, the world is your oyster. Then finish off with a couple of sprinkles of Garlic and Onion powder. These last bit of spices will give the Tuna an extra kick or flare to the taste. A friend of mine who rated my tuna salad once described the garlic as making the “whole thing”. He is right and wrong, it is a combination of all the ingredients I add that really make the dish. I will not include my other ingredients, but you can only imagine what else is used. Some people use mustard, others use tomatoes, eggs whites, celery or pepper.

After you mix and feel that the tuna is ready to eat, gather a set of crackers and lay them on a paper plate or dinner plate. Leaving the tuna in the refrigerator will grant you a more fresh salad. Now take the tuna out. You can use the mixing bowl to add the grains of tuna to the tops of the crackers with a fork. Bite into the cracker with the tuna on it and fall in love. The taste of the tuna should be enough so eating from an unsalted cracker won’t be any different than a salted one. A salted cracker might even be too much salt, since there is salt in the ingredients. After eating your crackers with tuna like hors d’oeuvres, you’re going to want to ease the food in your esophagus with a cold glass of milk or water. This completes a healthy and delicious lunch.

My Tuna Salad over the years has acquired some attention. People wanting to grab a taste while others wanting to compete and make a fool out of me. Twice I had a Tuna off with a friend of mine who claims to make better tuna. Due to his attempts of rattling my confidence by any means necessary, he miraculously won both competitions. For example, when he took out a giant celery stick and started cutting into thin pieces like a chef or when he kept instigating and poking fun at my cooking methods. However, hours later when the tuna was in the fridge and taken out. The tuna was retried by a few people who immediately agreed that my tuna was better. The competitions were based off of three components. The taste, texture and preparation. Now preparation in my opinion is bogus because we’re not chefs in a restaurant, we’re competing for which Tuna tastes better. So naturally mine tastes better and although it might have a creamier and softer texture than my opponents, it is still better by a landslide. I’m not knocking his Tuna and saying it’s bad. His tuna is great, but it does not beat mine, sorry I’m not sorry.

Salmon can be prepared in the same exact way when it’s in cans or when it is cut up enough in small portions. The same principle applies when making a Salmon Salad. For an experiment, one time I combined a can of tuna with a can of salmon to make Tumon Salad! It was really good as the food played with your taste buds, going back and forth from tuna to salmon. After I created the diabolical dish, I pictured the scene from Frankenstein when Dr. Frankenstein finishes creating his monster and screams, “It’s alive!”. Well the Tumon Salad was not alive, but the creation was extraordinary.

Tuna Salad is a fun dish for anyone who wants to be artistic in the kitchen and experiment. You don’t have to worry about getting burned or cooking it too soft or too much. Once you can master making a delicious Tuna Salad, you will keep that with you forever. No one can take that away from you and no one will ever take my Tuna Salad masterpiece away from me. I might have to just eat now, writing this post made me so hungry. Savor your appetite for a delicious meal.

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